• Coach Shonda McCray


WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE AND HOW TO GET HELP Like a house of cards… the paradise I built around him began to crumble. What started as love made in heaven turned to hell as he stalked me everywhere I turned. He'd sit for hours trying to find me doing anything with any man. I remember the dread I felt in my stomach, getting home, unsure of what was waiting for me. “Wh*re,” “Fat b***h”, and more I'd hear despite my hands stuck inside my ears. When I tried my best to explain myself, it only fueled his rage. At first, he only name-called me, but quickly he became physically abusive. Adam would hit me and even throw me down the stairs. How could I have thought that the same Adam who confessed his love to me and promised to treat me right would drag me by my hair down the stairs, deafen to my screams for help and relief? Today, I’m happily married to the love of my life, the man who ministers to my spirit, my partner, my confidant, my best friend, and my boyfriend (wink)! But you see, one time in my life, I used to be depressed and lonely, dealing with trauma from my past and struggling to raise my daughter by myself. So in that season, I let a man in, hoping he could fill the void. If you read my book then you know this story… but keep reading, I am going somewhere. Don’t judge me… Adam came around like a spring of fresh water in the desert. I was trapped. We began so perfectly, having dinners at a table and watching movies together while my baby played on the floor next to us—the life I ever so wanted was mine! Sadly, I didn’t notice that inside the dark-skinned, muscular guy was a jealous spirit which he expressed in form of obsessive control over me. On the other hand, Adam combined calmness, charm, and chaos in such an attractive tapestry that I didn’t worry why other people feared him. Adam’s listening ears won my bleeding heart. I emptied my soul, pain, and life’s stories, hopes, and wishes; he absorbed them all. He was what I thought I needed. I wanted to rush and marry him… I was a FOOL! ( I dodged a bullet... Thank you, Jesus) Telling him my pain gave him ammunition to use against me later on in the relationship. Adam controlled my life, bending it to his selfish, insatiable demands and desires. It came to the point where he isolated me from my family and everyone who knew me. He made me put my wants and desires on the back burner, and I was to only do what he said. He was "the man of the house”. I was so hard up to be with someone to love me that I settled for less. I rushed into something that I should have never allowed myself into. In my head, I wanted to leave and did a few times, but only to sleep secretly in an empty apartment at my job. I wanted no one to know that I was being mentally and physically abused. I had to keep this facade in front of people that I was okay. Abuse victims can be inexplicably drawn to their abusers… As in my case, whenever his anger died, and he came pleading and begging me to return, I would go back with him. And then, he would force sex on me. I used to lie in tears, asking for it to be over. I knew I didn’t want to go back home, but I had several reasons for needing him, at least I thought... Before I finish this story, I want you to reflect on how you and your spouse started out—happy and deeply in love! Did you know everything before you said, I do!! Did you see signs of future issues and ignored them?

I saw it coming… My relationship with Adam hit the rocks and shattered into a million pieces despite how it all started. Like the Titanic, our relationships hit hidden Icebergs at mid-sea, causing unmendable and unexpected disasters in form of separation or divorce. Unfortunately, we often ignore the subtle signs of the manipulator, overtly narcissistic, control-freak, and insensitive abuser. Hurting people hurt other people… One night Adam picked a fight with me, and he placed a gun to my head. I knew that I was about to die that night. What did I get myself into? I was looking for love in all the wrong places... I RUSHED into something that I had no business in. Trying to escape one issue and walked into a whole mess... Boy boy boy! Yes, chile I wanted to be loved, but this right here was not what I signed up for. I had to put a call through to the police. The police came and surrounded the house and arrested Adam. Oh, holy escape! I know you are like, Coach Shonda!!! Yup! I was in an abusive relationship before my night in shining armor husband came along. I’ve seen and experienced too many shipwrecks in my journey to ignore potential threats to my love story. I believe that unmanaged cravings for control, unholy competition, carnal jealousy, and insensitive words and actions are Icebergs hidden under the sea of time and behind the fog of feelings we share today.

In my next blog, I will discuss


I hope that you've enjoyed this week's journal entry and you will return next week for part 2. My goal is to send love and encouragement to you and your household. Wherever you are in your journey, know that you are not alone. God is with you...

If you are in an abusive relationship, please know that there is help to aid you 24 hours a day. No need to be ashamed. National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-7233

Thank you for reading.

© I am Coach Shonda

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